The entire house was upside down with renovations. Everything in the kitchen had been stripped and all electrical appliances moved into the passage so it was like living in a very small yacht that had recently been hit by a Tsunami and had done a few somersaults. The lounge had had a large window added and nothing locked (only the back door had ever locked anyway)
I was living in my bedroom. Luckily it's enormous, with enough room for a King size bed, armchair and dining room table, and all the dogs. Next to my bed was an electric kettle and toaster. I was living on fruit, toast, tea and builders dust. Lots of builders dust.
Added to this, our area was undergoing a crime wave. This happens at regular intervals, and then eventually the thieves move on to greener pastures or, more rarely) actually get caught. But the two gangs operating in the area were particularly vicious, so I decided to get hooked up to a security company and get an alarm system put in so that I could rest eas. But of course I should have known it wouldn’t be that simple.
For four days we had two technicians, Green and Nicholas, tripping over gardeners and builders while I played musical rooms with the dogs as they moved through the house with ladders and an air of mystery and things that went bleep when you weren’t expecting them to. Greene was an ex taxi driver.
I first met them after a hectic day shopping for weird building materials with strangely sensual connotations –male and female couplings and panty lace?? – and had arrived home gasping for tea and the loo only to be confronted by a mutinous Hannes (the chap in charge of the alterations), red faced and giving them the old lazy eye because they wanted to move Bougainvilleas and chop down the tree in front of the garage and the ancient palm tree because it interfered with their beams.
It was not a good start to our relationship. I joined Hannes in the old lazy eye treatment and explained to them in clear and concise words and gestures that no one could fail to understand, that the tree would be staying where it was, and so would the bougainvillea.
They could move their beams or they could go home and the cheque for R 13,000 would be cancelled. They moved their beams. Relations became more cordial once they grasped my policy on the inviolability of trees and dogs and plants.
However, there was a brief relapse when I discovered, at nine o’clock at night, that they had gone off and left the windows open in the funny little room that leads off my bedroom. I nearly had heart failure; thought I’d been robbed. Now there’s sweet irony for you: the security people rush off and leave the house wide open! Only in South Africa
But more was to come. The alarm (which sounds like an air-raid siren having a party) went off twice that night. I presumed that the beam was faulty. But after waiting AN HOUR for the armed response to limp to my front door it was explained to me that only an intruder could have broken the beam. That was just the curtain-raiser...
The next night the alarm went off at about this time – around half past ten. The people from the Paracops Control Room phoned immediately. I explained that I was a bit nervous because the dogs had been restless the whole evening and barking a lot, and it was the beam in front of the garage that been broken. They sounded quite concerned and said they would send a patrol car at once.. Forty-five minutes later, a bakkie rolled up . I went out. No-one got out. An old man with white hair peered nervously at me and at the shotgun slung over my shoulder.
Everything alright? He enquired in querulous tones. (All in Afrikaans – translated for your benefit!)
Er, no… not really... the alarm went off. They said they were sending someone?, I replied, somewhat startled. This was not going quite the way I had expected. The old man gazed apprehensively into the dark.
Dangerous, living out here, he remarked conversationally.
Yes, it is rather, I suppose. That’s why I’ve just paid a fortune for all these beams, I explained gently.
I heard you have vicious dogs, he said, eyeing the limping Muffin (his leg is still in plaster) and Delilah and Licorice suspiciously – the dogs he was looking at are the size of small Staffies. The Ridgebacks were shut inside. I have a weak heart, you know – spent a long time in hospital. I can’t be upset by vicious dogs..
Pinch me, someone, I thought. Either I’m dreaming or I’m on Candid Camera and this guy will turn out to be Leon Schuster in an exceptionally good disguise.
At this point the dogs stared into the darkness towards the old cow shed and growled ominously. The old man perked up.
Well! I’d better be off. Let me know if you need any more help! They’ll probably come back, you know! And with a cheery wave he took off down the drive-way at a merry old clip.
I went inside to seethe and fester. I was damn sure that the prowlers would come back, having seen the full might of the cavalry! I spent the time until I went to bed composing scathing letters to the Press in my head. I had forgotten to buy gas so it was taking forever to do the dogs food. Finally at 01h38 I went to bed. At 02h40 the Alarm went off again. Zone 4 as usual: the garage. The phone rang.
Would you like us to send a patrol car? The woman asked politely.
Well, there’s definitely someone there – but no, don’t bother. That poor old man has a bad heart; we don’t want him back in hospital. And by the time he gets here they’ll be long gone anyway. No really, don’t bother – I’ll just go out with the shotgun and sort the problem out myself..
I’ll send a car, she said.
The old man was here in eleven minutes.
I wasn’t expecting him so soon and nearly maimed myself falling over things in the dark trying to get the big dogs locked up in time. Then I fell over picture frames in the passage/kitchen that the dogs had knocked over in their mad rush, broke two nails and couldn’t find my shoes.. I was in my nightie so just went through to the study and opened a window.
Same zone, I shouted, pointing. Looks like they came back!
He inched the car forward.
Where? he shouted over the giant philodendron.
There, I pointed at the garage.
Reluctantly he got out, having got the car as close as possible to the garage. He looked nervously over his shoulder into the dark. It remained dark. He peered over his other shoulder with equal caution, but found no comfort there either. I stayed put. Then, with great effort, he leant over and shook the padlock on the garage. Nothing happened. Reassured that he had saved the day, he hopped briskly back into the car.
Thanks for coming so fast...! I shouted.
Glad I could help he said, giving me a watery smile as he drove off.
It was so comforting to know I was in good hands.
Geriatrix is alive and well and has left that small Armorican village we know so well, that still holds out against the invader, and has relocated to my valley. If you feel the least bit threatened, wherever, you are, let me know and I’ll send him to you. Don’t hold your breath though – could be a while...
I actually did write a letter to the paper but I relented; Poor, old man, I thought. Imagine being old and sick and still having to drag yourself to work. Life is just not fair. After all, I’m sure he wouldn’t be doing this if he had any choice in the matter. Then I discovered (when the old codger came back to touch me for a loan) the old so-and-so is only a year older than me!
And this is what we had to protect us, with the brief exception of Marcel, who was great but soon moved on to greener pastures, until the advent of Llewell. Now that was more like it! The very first time he answered the "panic" alarm – (my daughter pressed it, being naïve and trusting, I had long given up bothering with it) – he arrived within 15 minutes and chased off three guys who had been hiding in the bushes. They were obviously just waiting for the Paracops van to limp in (and I do mean limp - it often had to be pushed) and out before making another attempt. They certainly weren’t expecting anyone to actually give chase! But he went the way of all good men, and the burglars came back.
And that is how I came to have an electric fence put around my property, all twenty-two acres of it...but that is another story!
